


If You Ever Loved Me

by ForFangirls



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon until S5 Ep08, F/M, Gen, Jim is only good at being a cop, Long-Suffering Jim Gordon, Nygmakins - Freeform, POV Edward Nygma, POV Lee Thompkins, Past Jim Gordon/Leslie Thompkins, Relationship Problems, Slow Burn, Spoilers to S5 Ep07, The Author Regrets Nothing, Yes I have all the chapters planned out, don’t worry you funky little reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 05:16:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20961089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForFangirls/pseuds/ForFangirls
Summary: Canon Divergence wherein after being brought back from the dead and defeating Walker. Lee and Ed talk about their Anthony and Cleopatra moment in the Narrows the night the bridges blew and realize that killing each other doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. It means they’re both sick, and need support (including each other’s). But is love enough to make a relationship in the toxic war zone called Gotham? Is it enough to prevent them from killing each other again?— Inspired by the HEARTBREAKING look Ed gives Jim during the phone call in S5_Ep06 when they find out Lee is being held hostage by Eduardo and my desire to sink with this ship.





	1. Only Children Call Dibs

**Author's Note:**

> *I put character's thoughts in italics*
> 
> Starts up exactly at the end of 5x06; Jim Gordon and Co. just defeated Secretary Walker and her squad, Nygma and Penguin are friends again but haven’t yet hatched the submarine escape plan, and Lee just woke up from attacking Gordon...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First chapter is most context and scene-setting: skip to get straight to the good Nygmakins content!

“Welcome back.” Jim said, barely hiding a grimace of the regret of having to electrocute Lee to short-circuit her control chip.

“Hell… is this going to keep happening? What’s wrong with me?” Lee said, slowly transitioning from her daze to panic.

“The good news is, I think I can actually answer that.”

The door to the captain’s office opened, Harvey and Jim looked up at Barbara entering, “Jim? I need to talk to you” she said seriously.

“Now is not a good time, Barbara.” Jim said dismissively, _why did Barbara have to come by now? Can’t she see I’m dealing with my other ex-fianceè right now? Honestly, how dense is-_

Barbara smiled, _so that’s how it’s going to be_, “Don’t you remember the good time we had the other night? Over there?” She loosely pointed towards Jim’s desk, trusting Harvey and Lee had enough imagination to understand her meaning.

“Say what?” Harvey muttered quickly.

“You need to leave, now.” Jim said firmly. (More like firmly not understanding the situation)

“I’m pregnant.” Barbara said forcefully. Not accusing him, but making it clear his current attitude was unwanted and uncalled for.

Harvey made a noise unconsciously, mind swimming almost as much as Jim’s. No one was thinking more clearly in that moment than Lee. Her glance immediately slid from the floor up to Jim’s face, searching for an explanation though really she didn’t know if she wanted one. _I can't believe he tried to make me feel guilty for dating other people when he's been making babies with Barbara freaking Kean. How long has that been happening?_

“Good to see you Lee,” Barbara said finally addressing the elephant in the room, “long time.” then turned leaving the others to their reactions. She didn’t want to see, and honestly didn’t care, what they thought about her pregnancy. Barbara Kean is an independent, badass woman, and will do exactly as she pleases regardless of what Jim Bo or his precious Doc have to say about it.

Lee finally eases her eyes back to the floor, realizing Jim is in a bit of shock, as Harvey decides to cut the tension; “Congratulations?”

Lee couldn’t decide exactly what she was feeling. Betrayal wasn’t it- she and Jim weren’t together anymore, sure he just saved her life but that’s a regular day at the office for him. It didn’t mean anything for Them. Lee remembered Jim coming to her before the bridges blew; telling her he still cared for her, offering her a way out of Gotham to start a new life away from the crime and violence, away from-

_Ed. Where did Ed even go? Didn’t Jim mention he risked his life distracting the rest of Walker’s squad at the precinct? ...One mystery at a time._

“Lee, I can explain… well, sort of. We just-“

Lee held up a hand, “Jim, it’s okay. I mean since we broke up I’ve been married, even if it was for less than a day. You can have sex with whatever you want… though as a doctor I should tell you safe sex is always a good idea.” Lee smiled tightly as she met Jim’s concerned eyes, not even sure if she meant what she was saying. She had no right to Jim Gordon, just as he had no right to her when she was dating Ed.

Lee wondered, Am_ I still dating Ed? Who knows, once my memory comes back I’ll have to ask him… how much does he remember?_

Harvey, still staring blankly at Jim, said “Look I know you two have history, but… really?”

Jim looked at Harvey sheepishly, “It was a really stressful time, we weren’t thinking clearly.” Lee rolled her eyes.

“And in the office? God, was I here when you two decided to desecrate the Captain’s office?”

“Harvey!” Jim whined, I swear if he wasn’t my partner I’d punch him right here in front of everyone. Harvey put his hands up equally in defeat and utter confusion, but left all the same, "I'll go find some drinking water for Lee."

Silence settled in the quiet office. The precinct isn't supposed to be quiet, especially not now that they have refugees coming out of the walls since Haven was destroyed. Despite Walker's defeat, they still felt unsafe. Not even Jim was a good enough liar to tell them they shouldn't be.

Lee cleared her throat quietly and spoke slowly, "Jim, I hope you know I'm not angry. Confused, yes. But not angry."

"Honestly, Lee, it didn't mean anything. The past three months have been hell and I just... just needed..."

"You needed a reprieve. I understand." Lee said, her practiced clinical tone coming out now.

Jim sat down across from Lee, put his hands in his lap and looked up at her "So what does this mean for us?"

Lee's eyes widened and thought for a moment, _"What does this mean for us?' Is there an 'us'? Last I recall, I was dating Ed after Jim killed my ex-fiance. I was happy in the Narrows, if overworked and worried for my people. I had purpose. What would be my purpose here? Be Jim's patient little wife waiting at home while he plays hero? He won't ever stop, that's who is is. He won't change who he is, and I can't ask him to. Just like it was wrong when he wanted me to change._

_Like he still wants me to change._

"You still don't see me, Jim. You don't understand me. I'm not the woman I was when I arrived in Gotham, when I arrived at this precinct. I'm not moralistic like you are, and I can't live in this bureaucracy you try so hard to work inside. That's... that's just not who I am anymore. And I don't think I can be that person again."

"But you can. When reunification happened, the government is pardoning a lot of the criminals who help the GCPD and helped keep people alive. You could start a new, fresh life and be on the right side of things! You could help all these people who-"

"Who what? Jim, cops and the government isn't perfect either. There's no right side in all this. From what you yourself told me, the government has been callously refusing to send help for months. Eduardo said he'd purge the city of all the criminal and violent scum, but who do you think really got stuck here? Did you ever think about why uptown is empty? Everyone with the means got out of the city at the beginning of the evacuation, it was the poor groups who couldn't find a way out. Their livelihoods were here not in bank accounts, their family members were sick and they weren't in the hospital because they couldn't afford health care. Most just didn't have cars and couldn't get a taxi or other ride out of the city. Had the government cared to send transport for them, there would be a lot less starving people now. But the government didn't care about my people then, and they don't care now."

"So what? You're going to go back to being a gang leader in the Narrows?" Jim asked incredulously.

"No... I don't know.", Lee answered honestly. "But I'm not staying here. I'll help in the clinic obviously, but I'm not sure what else I'll do. Whatever I do, I don't see a future for us, Jim. I'm sorry."

Lee went to stand and leave, she felt the floor sway underneath her and the blood in her head begin to pound. She blindly grabbed the back of the chair to steady herself, and Jim's hands flew to her side to catch her.

"Lee you shouldn't leave right now. I'll have Harvey look after you, feel free to stay in my office as long as you need. I'll set up a room for you to rest until you're back on your feet." Jim said quickly, asking only with his eyes instead of his words. Lee nodded, knowing he was right.

Jim went to leave before Lee asked, "Could... could you send Ed in?"

He stopped for a moment then turned, "Ed?" 

"Yeah, I'd like to see if he can fill in any of my memory. I might be able to help him too, if he's having similar symptoms." she replied, leaving out that she needed to figure out what a mutual stabbing and murder means in a relationship between two criminals-at-large.

Gordon stared for a moment, wondering what Lee was thinking, but nodded. "Sure thing, Lee." He gave another tight smile before turning to leave. Just because Lee asked for him to send Ed in doesn't mean he had to get him first thing, right? Surely the two love-jail birds could wait a few hours.


	2. Stolen, Mistaken, or Altered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory "what the frick-frack is going on in Nygma's head" chapter.
> 
> Title comes from Ed's riddle in Season 3 "What can be stolen, mistaken, or altered, yet never leaves you your entire life?" the answer being "your identity".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone is in interested, I'm writing this piece to the tune of the fantastic Spotify Playlist "The Riddler? Gotham's Finest" which you can find here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6KEZROH9IXm6T8zOElfClG?si=QId1mf3_Tduwe2WsqTL0jw

Ed Nygma wasn’t sure who he was. Not in the same identity-crisis he’d had after believing he had killed Oswald, but in the sense that he didn’t know whether he was The Riddler or Ed Nygma or someone else entirely. Since coming back from whatever killed him in the Narrows, he hadn’t seen any of his other personalities in mirrors or hallucinations.

It shouldn’t have drove him crazy that he couldn’t see them. He thought he was angry because he couldn’t talk or negotiate with the side of his personality that was controlling him in his sleep. But now, now he’s not so sure.

Dr. Strange didn’t give control over The Riddler, or over Ed Nygma. His actions under the control of the chip were neither personality, which means for the time he wasn’t being controlled he was only one personality without being challenged by another. So… who was in control?

Sure, he had beat up the man he kidnapped while under Walker’s control for information, but he had also not wanted to hurt the random people on the street or the old woman who witnessed him destroying Haven. Ed Nygma only killed Kristen Kringle by accident, and killed Officer Dougherty in defense of her. He hadn’t planned to kill either of them, and all the ones after were The Riddler. Not him.

Though in retrospect, he had been encouraging The Riddler and letting him out more and more because of the power it gave him. Power and respect, which Jim Gordon and the rest of the GCPD showed common gangsters but not him.  _ An actual genius. _ They should have been nice to him, people were never nice to Ed Nygma. They only used him for his intelligence. All except…

_ Lee. Where was Lee anyway? Wasn’t she held hostage by Eduardo? I should probably find her. _

_ I wonder if she’s okay. I hope she’s okay. _

_ That’s stupid, why do you care about her? Why do you care about anyone? _

_ I…  _

“I love her.”

“What?” asked Harvey, passing by the desk Ed had claimed for his own ever since removing Walker’s men from the precinct.

“Um,”  _ Don’t panic, he didn’t hear anything, and even if he did you can just kill him. _ “Nothing. But since I’ve got you here, where’s Dr. Thompkins? I wanted to see if she could check Dr. Strange’s work on my brain. I’m not overly confident in anyone’s ability to do experimental brain surgery at the dining table of an ex-mafia leader.” Ed said smiling at his own ridiculous situation.

Harvey looked him up and down.  _ Why does Harvey always do that? It’s like he expects me to be suddenly pointing a gun at him… then again I’ve probably only really smiled at him over the barrel of a gun so perhaps for a mind such as his it’s a fair assumption. _

Harvey shifts his weight back, unconsciously leaning away from Ed in a position to back away quickly. “Jim’s setting her up a room for the night, he had to shock her to get her out of Walker’s control trace so she’s still a little shaken up… not sure she can handle your weirdness right now, Ed. Can’t it wait?”

Ed frowned quickly. “You forget, Detective, that Lee and I were partners for months before Gotham burned. I’m sure she won’t mind.” He stood and slid his hands down his pants before pausing for a moment, “...though, I suppose it can wait until her room is ready for her. I’m sure she’ll be in a better state of mind after having a moment to herself.” Nygma nodded to himself, proud of his deductive skills in assessing her usefulness and definitely not the risk of upsetting her by asking to see her so soon after today’s events.

Harvey just kept staring. “Didn’t know The Riddler was one for compassion, Ed.”

“I’m not him.’ Ed said, raising his voice just enough to have two other cops glance over. Harvey looked at them calmly as to let them know he had the situation under control. “I’m not him,” Ed continued calmly. “I’m not sure who I am, but I’m not entirely The Riddler anymore.”

Harvey considered this for a second before clapping Nygma on the arm, “Well we’d love to have you back, Ed. Could really use your help around here.” and then left to find something else to pretend to manage.

Ed shook his head to himself, _ Another person who wants to use my brain. _

_ I bet Lee would like some flowers, make her room feel a bit more homey. After all hospitals put flowers in their rooms to help patients, why wouldn’t that work on an actual doctor. _

Without another thought, Nygma stood and whipped his green jacket onto his shoulders. Feeling his hair pull under the jacket’s collar, he added to his to-do list…

_ Go to Oswald’s for a haircut, then find flowers worthy of the Queen of the Narrows... assuming that's still who she is. _


	3. What's a little stabbing between friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: Oh yeah, stab me real good, baby!  
Alternate alternate title: Critical ConversationsTM
> 
> Y'all are so spoiled, three chapters in 15 hours. Hope you enjoy! Leave comments if you have any ideas or corrections (you can imagine how little proofreading I'm doing rn)

Lee’s room is a small apartment in the building next to the GCPD, which had been converted into refugee housing. By “converted”, of course, they meant they broke in after the city burned and made their temporary home inside someone else’s. Living in a space with someone else’s family photos still hanging on the walls creeped Lee out. She couldn’t shake the feeling of intruding.

_ Speaking of… those flowers look fresh? _

Sitting beside the neatly made bed (did they make their bed before fleeing the city or did one of the cops make it for her?) was a glass mason jar with springs of wildflowers in it. Large white blossoms and purple sprigs, which didn’t look native to Gotham at all.  _ How did- _

“I hope you don’t mind.”

Lee jumped slightly and turned to face Nygma. Always eerily silent her partner… ex-partner? ...Her ex?

“So sorry” Nygma looked at the floor, “I didn’t mean to startle you”

“It’s fine, I’m just a little on edge with recent events and whatnot.” Lee took a minute to breathe before trying to speak again, Nygma stayed in his stiff position in her doorway. He looked like he was trying to become furniture; standing very still as far to the right side of the doorway as he could get, only his blinking cued her into him being more than a Riddler mannequin. He hadn’t come over the threshold, and his hands were by his sides and open. Which led her to wonder…  _ is this The Riddler or Ed Nygma? _

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you since the bridges burned.” Lee asked, hoping to screen for if he wanted to discuss their knife gift-exchange gone south or not.

“Well, I was under the control of Walker and her people for four months. I didn’t know what was happening, I thought it was Ed taking control back…”

_ So this is The Riddler, then why… _

“...but now I’m not sure if I’m The Riddler or Ed. I was hoping you could take a look at my brain at some point and tell me a little more information on if Dr. Strange did any other poking around up there.”

Being a doctor, good. She can do that. “What have you noticed that’s irregular?”

“I don’t see him anymore, I used to see my other personality when one was in control... and now I can’t.”

Lee considered this for a moment, then considered how to articulate her hypothesis to Ed without throwing him into a spiral, then again he was an intellectual at heart as well. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be seeing other versions of himself. “There’s a chance Walker ordered some corrective medications or treatments for schizophrenia or dissociative personality disorder to make you more useful. Since she has remote mind control, I suppose it’s not unrealistic for her to have the ability to correct the chemical imbalances which led you to hallucinate, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t enjoy the benefits of her meddling.” she ended gently.

“As much as I don’t like her having been in my head, I must admit it’s nice not having to argue with myself all the time. Now I just do it in my head like everyone else.” Nygma said quietly, probably more to himself then to Lee.

“No one’s really like everyone else, Ed. Certainly not you.” Lee smiled. She turned back to ‘her’ new bed, again wondering who had made it. She reached down to touch the folded corner- the bed was folded like a hospital bed, the only one who knew she made her bed like that was Jim. He must’ve-

“I hope you don’t mind me having been in here. I didn’t trust a bunch of cops to make a space you’d be comfortable in.” Lee looked up at Nygma, “All the linens are fresh. I tried to do what I could to clean up the place, after all you need rest.”

_ Ed… cleaned it? So it wasn’t locked and left clean, it was probably rummaged through three times over and Ed made it look like the family had left for a vacation and would be home any minute. He…  _

“When you came in, you asked if I minded. You meant the flowers?” Lee realized suddenly.

“Well, that and the bed.” Ed answered, slowly walking into the room as Lee reached out to touch the fresh flowers for the first time. Ed had picked these, probably by hand. Where did he even…

“I called in a favor to Ivy, for some reason, I think she’s fond of me. Maybe it’s the green.” he joked, god he loved making Lee laugh. Especially after the last few months, hearing her laugh like that was such a relief.

“It feels like it’s been ages since I laughed, Ed.” Lee said honestly, now leaning against the dresser on the wall parallel to the bed. If anyone ever tried to say that Edward Nygma  _ beamed _ at that comment he would skin them alive and then serve it back to the victims like salad.

But back to the matter at hand, “How much do you remember from that night?” Ed asked.

Lee sighed, “I’m not sure where to start. What do you remember?”

“Next to nothing. Oswald told me he found me near-death from a stab wound in our club. He took me to Hugo Strange. He mentioned there was a lot of blood, so I’m assuming I at least injured my attacker.”

“You did.” Lee said quietly, “We were going to leave the city together before the bridges blew, before the city started burning. When that happened, I decided to stay.”

Lee sat down on the bed, proceeding through her story slowly so Ed could piece together any memories he still had using her words. “I was sitting at my desk in the club we took from Cherry, you walked in and asked if I was still leaving. I said no. You asked what that meant for us and-”

“And you said it was the end for us.” Ed finished. He closed his eyes and leaned against the dresser where Lee had been previously, arms crossed now.

“Yes, I did. I thought with the city burning we’d get torn apart or you’d get bored and kill me and I just thought it’d be safer for us-”

“Keep going, please.”

Lee took a deep breath, “Okay. You accused me of having been using you the whole time. You walked up behind me, and I knew you were going to kill me. I could hear it in your voice. So I said you were just like Jim, neither of you truly see me, and then- and then I-”

Nygma finally met her eyes and said “You stabbed me. You.... said the offer to leave with you was real, but you knew eventually I’d- The Riddler, would try to kill you. Or maybe you meant all of me. Then I said you were wrong and… I stabbed you? Or did I kiss you?”

Lee smiled despite the budding tears, “Both” she weakly wiped at the cold wetness threatening to fall down her face. “You said that I was right, stabbed me, then said I was wrong because you saw me for who I was. We kissed after that and then fell, I think. I moved over towards you and then blacked out, which must have been when Eduardo’s men picked me up.”

The two sat in silence for a while after that. Breathing, processing, and slowly filling in the gaps in both of their memories with each other’s narratives. Trying to make sense of how they got there, what led them to that point.

“I’m rarely at a loss for words, Lee.” Nygma said slowly, “But I’m really not sure what to say.”

“Where… where does this leave us?” Lee asked, looking at Edward’s collar more than his face. She wasn’t sure she could meet his eyes.   
  


Ed leaned up off the dresser but didn’t step any closer to Lee, “You were right, I was trying to make you be who I wanted. That was wrong of me.”

“I’m not sorry I stabbed you.” Lee said firmly.

Nygma smiled, “I wouldn’t expect the Queen of the Narrows to apologize to any of her victims. And as far as I’m concerned,” his eyes slid to the floor, “you killed me in self-defense.”

Lee smiled,  _ how am I smiling at that? This city is so messed up. _

Ed cleared his throat before continuing, “Just say you don’t care about me, and I’ll leave you alone for good. No killing this time.”

Lee paused, what was she supposed to say to that? She wasn’t sure how she felt. Did she still love Edward Nygma? Did she ever love him?

“It’s not that, Ed. I’m- I’m not sure how I feel.”

“Don’t just wrap me around your finger, Lee.” he warned, sounding so much like he did when they were playfully escaping the GCPD with so few cares.

“I mean it, Ed.” Lee continued, her eyes glancing up at him, “I’m not sure how I feel, you seem different now. I always cared for Ed Nygma and grew to care for The Riddler too. As much as I want to forget about you and forget how much I changed after the Tetch virus, I can’t. And the more I think about you and our people, the less I regret.”

“Our people?” Ed asked hopefully.

Lee opened her mouth, only to be interrupted by a loud knock at the door.

Gordon’s voice ran through the studio apartment like ice water, “Lee? If you’re feeling better, I was thinking I’d give you a tour of the place? Maybe give you a ride to the clinic?”

Ed couldn’t help the involuntary way his eyes rolled at the sound of the Captain’s voice.

Lee covered a laugh with her hand, fairly annoyed at Jim too.

“One second!” she called back.

Lee stood up and walked the two steps over to face Ed. He stood up straighter, not sure what to expect. She grabbed his arm and leaned over the other direction to kiss him on the cheek. She could feel her cheeks burning, and his felt hot under her lips so certainly he was blushing as well. That was something The Riddler never did; blush. And boy had she tried.

When she leaned back onto her heels Nygma was smiling softly, eyes a little wide as the gears in his head turned and turned. She smirked, happy knowing she could still keep him on his toes. “What was that for?”

“Don’t you still like mysteries, Ed?”

Ed glanced down to her lips again, traced down to where he had stabbed her in her side, then back up to her eyes. “Absolutely” he grinned that smug, free smile she’d only known The Riddler to be capable of.

“Lee?!” Gordon called again.

“May I?” Ed asked, grinning like the cheshire cat.

Lee’s smirk only grew as she shrugged, finally feeling like herself again. “Sure, why not.”

“Just a minute, Jim!” Edward called back happily.

Lee squeezed his arm and leaned into his chest slightly as she laughed. Through the thin door, they heard Jim’s footsteps backtracking a little which only served to fuel their child-like giggling.

“Alright, I’ll be back after learning my way around and getting caught up on the new Gotham politics.” Lee said, dropping her arm from Nygma’s and walking towards the door.

“Could I get some food for when you get back? Figure, Jim’s low on supplies anyway and I have just enough for the two of us for a few weeks. Not to mention Oswald would be happy to share with me.”

Lee considers this, “Sure, that sounds nice. I’ll see you later, then.”

When she walked out the door, she turned back. Edward was standing in the doorway, holding up a single hand in a wave. Lee smiled back.

“Not concerned about leaving Ed alone in your apartment?”

“No, I trust him.”

“You just said he was the one who stabbed you?” Jim said incredulously.

“Oh Jim, you still don’t understand me.” the Queen of the Narrows said as she confidently walked past Jim, finally remembering where the true power lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....in our favorite POWER couple! (get it? Get it? hahahaha)


End file.
